Thoughts on Therapy: Year Three
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Therapist Sharon Fieldstone with Coach Ted Lasso / image via Apple TV
On this blog, I always try to be authentic and honest, even as a business owner trying to market my services. For example, in the past I’ve blogged about ending my passion project due to burnout and how I handled taking bereavement time as a freelancer. I’ve even gotten extra-vulnerable and shared insights I gleaned from therapy, reflecting on both the one year and two year milestones. So today it’s time to dive into my thoughts on my third year of going to therapy!
Last year, I wrote about how the pandemic shifted us to Zoom therapy. Though it felt strange at first, in May 2021 I was finally able to resume in-person sessions with my therapist and it was wonderful! I had forgotten how much you lose in body language that’s just outside the Zoom screen, and how nice it is to sit in a safe and cozy space with a person who is dedicated to helping you process, unlearn, and grow. This year was a lot between my grandma’s death in late February and my mom’s in early April, so I had plenty to talk about in therapy. Here are a few of the takeaways.
Everyone’s grief is different.
When my mom was given four to six weeks to live, I knew right then that all of us would have different experiences grieving her. My dad, my brother, and I all had very different relationships with her, and thus our grief would all be different. I had an inkling of that thought, but it hadn’t crystallized yet. I didn’t know what it would look like in the aftermath of her death. Thankfully, my therapist validated me as I talked through it and reinforced the reality of that statement when I felt my grief was “wrong” or “not normal.” There’s no such thing as normal when it comes to grieving. Or rather, everything is normal. However we respond to loss is valid.
My therapist helped me navigate the difficult last two months of my mom’s life, helping me think through how I would deal with all the impossible, challenging things that came up, and was there every step of the way for me as we planned the funeral. She even attended the memorial service via Zoom! I can’t imagine getting through the chaos and pain and anger without her. If you have a loved one with terminal cancer and are able to get yourself to a therapist, I highly recommend it--it can be a huge saving grace for your mental health, not just after your loved one dies, but before and during that awful time period.
Follow your joy.
When you’re going through hard shit and grieving lost loved ones, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be happy. Happy moments and feelings are 100% allowed. Chase joy! During the months my mom was dying, I was buying frozen mozzarella sticks and chicken pot pies and chocolate milk all the time. They were my tiny slivers of joy and I wasn’t going to deny myself them.
In the months following my grandma’s and mom’s deaths, my therapist encouraged me to chase my joy. I didn’t have to wallow in bad feelings. Sure, painful thoughts and difficult memories would come up, but they didn’t have to dominate every second of every day. I booked myself day trips and mini vacations, I dyed my hair purple, and bought a pair of roller skates. It doesn’t even have to be big joy, it can be simple, everyday little moments of joy. Joy is essential even when you’re grieving.
Sink into your knowing.
I think this phrase may have originated with Glennon Doyle, and I did find it a bit cringey when I read her book Untamed (part of me rolls my eyes at anything that seems ‘woo woo,’ even though often when I give it a chance, it turns out to be true). Nonetheless, my therapist has been saying this to me a lot lately and I get where she’s coming from. I have a tendency to be indecisive, checking in with others to find out how I feel. Spoiler alert: that’s not how it works! I’ll run a decision by several friends and my husband, unable to make up my mind on my own.
“Sink into your knowing!” my therapist reminds me. What does that even mean? It means you need to quiet yourself, sink down deep, and figure out what it is that you actually want. Not what your friend wants, not what your partner wants, but what you want. I still have a hard time with this, but I’m working on it! It’s been especially helpful when a lead comes in for a client, and I can sink into myself and know that it’s not my industry and I’m not interested in the work, and I can say no rather than going through a whole prospect call and proposal process.
Deep down, we know ourselves. Often we’ve been trained by society or the people around us to suppress our desires or censor our true selves. Connecting with yourself, knowing what you want, and acting on it is empowering.
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